Going Mobile

Play the tape machine / make the toast and tea / When I'm mobile / Well I can lay in bed with only highway ahead / When I'm mobile

Pete Townshend's ode to traveling aimlessly in his mobile home paradise has taken on a new meaning for me. During the last year, my purchases of a new computer, high speed cable Internet access, and now, a wireless router has me with the pedal to the metal cruising down the Audobahn of the Information Superhighway. I was able to motor to places where I've never been during my unplanned sojourn from the real world. Our school's leader in our T.I.P. (Technology Immersion Program) might have been speaking tongue- in-cheek when he told us his goal was "to be able to do this gig from home," but I'm pretty sure that he wasn't too far from the truth. The truth being that given a destination, a fast car, and some speed limits, students might learn far more by using all of the resources out there, reachable in nano seconds. He's right, too, that it's the adults who need the driver training to get their classes up to speed with the new technology.

As for me, I don't care about pollution / I'm an air-conditioned gypsy / That's my solution / Watch the police and the tax man miss me / I'm mobile, I'm mobile

Back to the grind of Crosstown Traffic (All you do is slow me down /And I got better things on the other side of town) on Monday.

Would You Believe . . . Three Columns?

This past week two entertainment greats passed away. Honestly, did anyone know that they were still alive? Yet comedian and television "star" Don Adams and Little Rascal Tommy Bond (Butch) both rated three column obits in the News Journal and probably many other papers across the land. Maybe the obit writers needed three columns to identify to the general public who these guys were. Maybe it was a slow news day, with no new pictures of dying people in New Orleans or Iraq to fill up space.

Here is my revised obit for Adams. I'll spare Tommy Bond because I have no recollection of him at all aside from his fighting with Alfalfa and Spanky over the coquetteish Darla.

Don Adams was a comedian in the days that it was easy to be considered funny by the public even though no one in entertainment actually was. Other non-funny, funny guys included Jerry Lewis, Mort Sahl, George Burns, Alan King, Shecky Greene, etc. These funny guys were considered by many to be the Kings of Comedy, but again, this was according to the same people who thought Don Adams was funny. As superagent Maxwell Smart in the TV show Get Smart, Don Adams had one funny bit-- never beginning a conversation with his Chief unless they were under "the cone of silence" so that their top secret conversations couldn't be heard (my boss Mel and I would conjure the cone of silence when we talked top secret stuff at our high level desk job managing the parking lots at the race track). The funny thing was that the cone of silence didn't work. It just created an annoying echo. That's about it, though. Him speaking into a shoe phone wasn't funny. Neither was his "would you believe" shtick. It remains a mystery that Mel Brooks and Buck Henry, two very funny guys, added to their comic genius by writing the Get Smart scripts. Funny all the way to the bank, I guess. With Don Adam's death look for DVD's to hit the shelves soon.

Time Bandits

Call me "cheap", call me "fashion impaired", or call me someone who doesn't wear his wallet on his sleeve, or wrist, in this case. First, it took me a few weeks to decide to replace my trusty Timex. Then, after a more few well spent minutes, I decided to buy a $20 Sharp watch at the Big K instead of a more costly and fashionable alternative. Like a $500 Seiko.

I know that the idea of what is "affordable" is all relative. Still, it blows my mind that a high school student would have, let alone wear, and then leave in his football locker, a $500 watch. Sounds like someone made at least three bad decisions that day, and unfortunately, learned an expensive lesson when the watch was stolen. Wearing the "bling bling" does draw attention, sometimes unwanted. So I don't see this "rash of thefts" ending, until it becomes fashionable to look unfashionable.

Run, Warren, Run

Channel surfing the American political scene recently, I've been bored and bemused by the rhetorical outporings of politicians reacting to the Judge Roberts hearings and the Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Though there's plenty of fools spouting off from their blowholes, two that have raised my ire the most are New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin and Delaware Sen. Joe Biden.

Given the destruction of his city, I'm more than willing to give Nagin a free pass if he'd just shut up. Yet I have the feeling that he probably wouldn't accept, for there Nagin was, just today, boldly reciting lines of his intention to repopulate portions of New Orleans as early as this week, while the levees are still breeched, the electricity is out, and the drinking water is unpotable. Can someone who knows better rewrite his script?

"Smug as he ever was" Biden, who is testing the waters for a presendential run in '08, unsuccessfully grilled the unflappable and far intellectually superior John Roberts. Suffice it to so that Biden's rhetoric, drawing metaphors to crap games, baseball umpires, and kubuki dances, lacked elegance, style, and honesty. Give him two thumbs down for blatant overacting. By the way, google "Joe Biden plagiarism" and you'll be rewarded with 26,00 results in .21 seconds.

Which brings me to the comic side of the political stage-California. The Left Coast. Hotel California, where image is everything and politics makes for good stargazing. The land that elected Sonny Bono, Clint Eastwood, Ronald Reagan, and now Governor Arnold Swarzenegger. Aahnold is getting mixed reviews these days, so it's only fitting that another actor is auditioning for the lead role out there.

Speaking last Thursday at a convention of California nurses, none other than Warren Beatty attacked The Terminator, who is trying to overturn patient/nurses ratios established by the former California governor. Beatty was hailed with cheers of "run, Warren, run" (as in for governor) by the crowd.

I don't know or care much about California politics, but I hope that Warren takes them up on it. He's been a great actor, writer, producer, and director. I'm tired of watching the Bidens and the Swarzeneggers of the world. Beatty hasn't had a good movie in at least 6 years (the political spoof, Bulworth), so a real-life campaign could be his big comeback. He could even film the campaign as a reality TV show, though I think Warren hasn't worked the small screen since his Dobie Gillis days.

In doing some quick research, I found that Beatty starred in fewer movies than I had thought. Most of them, though, were pretty darn good--Splendor in the Grass, Bonnie and Clyde, McCabe and Mrs. Miller, Shampoo, Heaven Can Wait, Reds, etc.--which give me hope that he'll play a fine governor. Another thing about Beatty. He always had an knack for playing opposite fetchingly talented actresses. In a case of life imitating art, we'll get to see his wife Annette Bening in a co-staring role. Nice.

Objections

Who can you trust these days? Guess not the NYRA, who fired former longtime jockey Braulio Baeza (on the scale) from his job as assistant clerk of scales working at the New York tracks. Baeza undereported their weights, sometimes by as much as 15 pounds. For doing so, Baeza received gratuities from jockeys Jose Santos, Cornelio Valesquez, Areil Smith, Robbie Albarado, and Herb Castillo. The jockeys have not been charged. Santos, for one, denies any wrongdoing.

I am thinking of initiating a class action suit against the NYRA. I am rumaging through my stacks of lost tickets as I type. Anyone who wants to join me can respond. This evidence of cheating has me thinking of giving up gambling forever. By the way, anyone who guesses the jockey standing behind Baeza is my hero.

Though not as serious, there have been allegations of wrongdoing, or at least poor judgment, in the recent songs contest. JL has lodged an objection that he was in the process of answering a question AND an extra credit before the answer was given. Stewards on the scene ruled against him. An appeal was presented this morning to the 121CC and is pending investigation.

Things Are Not Quite Cricket Anymore

I don't suppose anyone is playing darts these days. Eminating in the maintenance lunch room, the activity had an enthusiastic following back in the late 80's. Shooters lined up to play cricket, 301, or team 501. After 121 underwent renovation, the game moved to the new venue and enthusiasm spiked to an all-time high. Friday afterschool sessions were well attended.

Some guys took their darts seriously, buying expensive tungsten shafts and outfitting them in colorful flights. Others trying to gain an edge purchased sharpeners, chalk, and even flight protectors that prevented "split ends" by deflecting the darts into the bristle board. While most games were competitive, one social studies teacher was the clearly the acknowledged "Master."

The game waned when the room became too crowded with chairs, couches, and recliners that would sound the eventual death knell of the activity. Sadly enough, there hasn't been talk of bringing back the game. For a little nostagia, check out this page of dart terminology or better yet, recall the unique terms coined by our own Spartan chuckers (like 41 Newport Gap Pike).

One Fine Day

This morning I caught the end of The Woman Hater's Club, the Three Stooges' short that rhymes for its entire 19 minutes (try that, Mr. Big Shot Emmy Award Winner Ray Romano). I had forgotten the plot (silly me). Larry had broken his woman hater's vow to never marry, only to return 30 years later to join the club again. Moe and Curly welcome him back. The film ends with trio singing some little love ditty ("For you, for you my life, my love, my all . . . ) that only showcases their talent even more.

I've seen Philadelphia Comcast fill-in sportscaster Matt Fine on TV, and whether it's just my imagination or not, I have noticed a physical similarity between him and Stooge Larry Fine, who was born Larry Fienberg in South Philly. I close my eyes, listen to Matt Fine's voice, and I can imagine hearing him say, "I'll take two pieces of burnt toast and a rotten egg . . . I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him" (a Larry routinely-repeated gag).

I can't seem to find anything helpful on the web to prove my keen Stooge sensibilities. Meanwhile, I need to relax with some less serious activity. Nyuk, nyuk.

This Sitting Around is for the Birds

. . . or staying inside, for that matter. But later I am planning on venturing outdoors hoping to see some raptors in migration. It's a nice clear sky and the advancing cool front might encourage the big birds to ride the thermals down my way. Who knows, maybe if one is hungry enough, it might snatch one of the little chihuahas who live next door to me? Even if I don't have any luck birding, I'll certainly check out the Hawk Mountain Bird Sanctuary site. Did you ID the bird in the picture? Hint, he's one of the smaller birds of prey, one not ashamed to visit winter songbird feeders to catch a quick meal. Adults only grow to about a foot, smaller than the Cooper's Hawk, which it most resembles. More than 11,000 were seen one day in Cape May, NJ. You were correct if you guessed the sharp-shinned hawk.

Gonzo Friday

Tired of the new lunch service already? A little undone with the volume of e-mail in your inbox? From what I'm hearing, I think you guys are ready for your first Gonzo Friday.

I have to grudgingly admit that I thought John DeBella's WMMR Morning Zoo program was funny. For maybe a year. 1979 or thereabouts. You know, the prank phone calls, the racy double-entendres, and of course . . . Gonzo Friday, the wackiest day of the week when legions of middle-aged dorks throughout the Delaware Valley would march to work in their Hawaiian shirts, emblems of pseudo-hipness that screamed "you're trying too hard, Dude." Gonzo Friday was not without musical traditions, like Todd Rungren's Bang on the Drum All Day (I Don't Want to Work) and the show's finale, Monty Python's Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, which ranks as one of the best whistle sing-alongs of all time. Here's a paean to all of my gonzo buddies who are holding the fort. Mandatory participation.

Me: Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...
Your turn: And always look on the bright side of life (now whistle-you're feeling better already-admit it). And always look on the bright side of life (keep whistling ). Always look on the bright side of life (whistle).

A Canary in a Coal Mine--Kurt Vonnegut

I saw Kurt Vonnegut on Real Time with Bill Maher the other night and he was bitching about the human race. No longer a lovable cynic, he was so serious that he even spooked ageless hippy-dippy weatherman George Carlin, one of Maher's panelists. Me, I think Vonnegut is still pissed that his acting career ended in 1986 with the Rodney Dangerfield movie, Back to School (Sam Kinison upstaged everyone is his scene-stealing performance as a Vietnam vet history professor who "really seems to care . . . about what I don't know" according to Rodney).

Like most aging dinosaurs, Vonnegut probably suffers from a serious case of self-importance, aggravated by declining acclaim. His words, at least, continue to inspire: "I still feel an urgency to be a good citizen, to draw people's attention to things, to function as a canary in a coal mine. . . . I'm whistling as I walk past the graveyard, and I'm whistling as beautifully as I can."

Next blog entry might be my favorite whistling songs.

Have One on Me, Boys

Thought everyone would appreciate a donut. Can you make a perfect dozen from this selection? Careful with the filled ones.

This is an actual poster that you can purchase on-line. I am sending one your way to hang next to the Captain Lou Albano picture.

Why would anyone want to buy a poster of donuts? How about this, gang? 0 grams fat and 0 grams cholesterol.

Enjoy.

Woke Up This Morning

Same old, same old. Woke up this morning, walked out to the driveway in my robe to pick up the paper . . . nah. That's what Tony Soprano does. I woke up this morning at 10, had breakfast, and then caught actor Steve Schirripa (Uncle Junior's right hand man, Bobby Bacala, on The Sopranos) on The Tony Danza Show. I'm sure you know that Tony became a grandfather a few weeks ago. Steve, faithful to his Sopranos' character, brought the new baby "a little boost" (a cash gift) in a plain white envelope. Schirripa really plays up his goomba-ness and has even written two dumb books on the goomba lifestyle. Guess he figures that Hollywood will always have roles for chubby Italian guys who say "dis" and "dese." Check out Mobspeak page on the Sopranos website if you want to talk like real wiseguys. And one last thing, before anyone decides to give up my seat in 121, remember-- I'm "administration."

Eagles / Falcons-- Battle of the Raptors

While the rest of the Eagles fans are icing down their 30 packs and shopping their local Acmes for Cheez Whiz and nachos, I'm still under doctor's orders to recline "as much as possible." So when #5 starts hitting on all cylinders tonight, I have to be careful not to pop another retinal gasket.

That hasn't stopped me from my normal pre-game preparation, though. I washed and ironed my vintage #26 Clarence Peaks jersey to wear during the game, and I'm trying to find the words to the Eagles Fight Song (which I hardly ever hear these days) so I can sing along after a touchdown.

The 1983 Eddie Murphy movie, Trading Places, was set in Philly. The swarmy detective who worked for the Duke Bros. was named . . . Clarence BEAKS. Eagles in-joke, definitely.

Good Karma ?

Web surfing this afternoon, I discovered ESPN.com's
25 Best Sports Movies. I got a good chuckle when Caddyshack was ranked #5 by an "expert panel" and #2 by the website's users. Channel surfing later on, I caught the Dali Lama on CNN. He's in the USA for a 20-day tour. I don't think golf is on his schedule. If it were, Bill Murray's account of how the DL tried to "stiff him" after caddying for him in Tibet might make it hard to find a "looper." Unfortunately for His Holiness, I bet many guys like me first associate him with Caddyshack instead of being the reincarnation of the Buddha. Meanwhile, today I started a book about Bruce Edwards, Tom Watson's caddy who died last April from ALS. So what's up with all of the Kaddy Karma? Think I'll put the Edwards book down and read about Buddhism tonight. For those of you less spiritual, click to the ESPN list.

For Shutterbugs and Shut-ins

Hockessin photog Phillip Moyer has to be in danger of developing Carpel Tunnel Syndrome in his shooting finger. The guy snapped over 600 digital pics during a four-team volleyball tournament yesterday. The night before he took 300 shots at the Sallies-Newark football game. The images are already posted at his http://www.bears-pa.com/ website. There you can find hundreds of pics from other recent events, too, like the Sallies band practice and the Pike Creek Christian School graduation.

If you're like most proud parents these days, then you might want to buy one of Moyer's prints. Can do, of course. However, if you're like me and you have a rooting interest in one or some of the area high schools' athletic teams, then you'll visit this site for some great action (or inaction) shots.

Bird Feeder Cam

This rose breasted grosbeak should remind you to get your feeders cleaned and ready for the winter.Here's a tip: if you are going to feed the songbirds in your backyard, try using black oil sunflower seeds to keep away nuisance birds, like the grackle and the blackbird. These birds can wipe out a feeder in no time. They prefer the seed mixes that contain millet and cracked corn.

If you haven't set up your own feeders yet and you're ready for some action, click here to go to the streaming live Bird Feeder Cam at Cornell. You can view a platform, thistle, sunflower, water, or hummingbird feeder.

Dollar Dog Night

JL gave us a tip that Smiley would be in the house, and sure enough, he was right!


Smiley and The Phanatic on Dollar Dog Night 

Schoolsville is Coolsville

Billy Collins was a former poet laureate of the United States. He hailed from, of all places, Arkansas. His poetry is on the humorous side. His fans call it realistic, clever, and accessible; his critics call it lightweight and shallow. I think you can guess on which side I stand. Follow this link to read his poem Schoolsville, a imaginary town created by a retired teacher who never really retires. Could be me in about 16 years (and counting).