Don't Waste Your Time Reading This

WARNING! REREAD THE TITLE OF THIS ENTRY

Today, more than a year after I switched long distance telephone carriers from IDT to Verizon, I unexpectedly received a check from IDT that officially closed out my account. The windfall does not qualify me to bring donuts into school for my crew. The check was for eleven cents. Apparently, IDT had incorrectly billed me for their service even after I made the big switch. I made a two minute phone call one day, and the charge, you guessed it . . . Eleven cents.

This entry is beginning to remind me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer sets up a re-creation of The Merv Griffin Show in his apartment and interviews Newman about his eating generic wax beans to save money.

Newman says, "I rip off the label and I can hardly tell the difference."

"We've officially bottomed out," responds Kramer. "We've got to shut down and retool."

No retooling plans here, though. I warned you NOT to read this. This is a story about nothing.

What do I do with the check? It'll cost me more money and time just to GO to the bank. I'm embarrassed to even sign the thing. Of course, if I throw it out, I'll feel hopelessly wasteful.

My check crisis is only symptomatic of a deeper problem. Walking around St. Mark's, I spot discarded change on the floor all of the time. I can't walk by without scooping it up--a quarter, a dime, a nickel. Yeeeees. A penny. No. I'm proud to boast that I quit picking up pennies years ago, using sheer will power. No therapist, no hypnosis, no intervention of friends.

This entry is a part of my self-imposed therapy. Feel free NOT to respond. I don't want anyone else wasting his time on my weird obsession, unless, of course, he cares to share his own.